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The Shit List

Sanji, er, I mean Steve has quit because apparently Sprint is offering better pay. That's why they say don't trust the Injuns. But lucky for me, my day has lightened up...or at least I have.

What a day, people! I want to thank everyone blah blah blah DADI blah blah success. But really, thanks. As a reward for your support, I'll provide you with two stories about people who can go to hell.

The first one happened at the final table last night. Here we were, watching the final table unfold, and suddenly an Observer named LayLow pops in and drops this line. "Hey SirFWalGman, can I borrow $5?" Now, if you know SirF, you know 2 things. One, no one types out that seemingly random semblance of letters that make up his handle. Maybe you'll get a SirF or a Waffle, but S.i.r.F.W.a.l.G.m.a.n. along with the friggin right capitalization?! Utterly remarkable. The second thing you may know about Waffle is that he currenlty is not on an uber bankroll. I mean, I have no doubt that Waffle is a talent at the table. His 4th place finish tells me that. BUT right now he isn't rolling in dough, so a friend who is close enough to ask for money (or even a casual reader) would know that.

When I lived in Curry Hill, a block with a whole lotta Indian Restaurants in the city, and a take off on the name Murray Hill, where LI rich kids move so that their parents can pay their rent and they can bitch about paying for their own beer (I know, because I lived there too for a year -- thanks Mom and Dad!), there were always hobos outside my building. I was smack dab in between Bellevue Hospital (for crazies) and a Church (aka homeless shelter). Lucky me! It always annoyed me how these hobos would be sitting outside my door drinking beer at 10 am on a Sunday, mostly because I got 2 summonses to appear at court on 2 different occassions for drinking a beer outside. These hobos get away with everything. My point is, I'm a liberal guy, but I loath beggers. They are 99% drug addicts, lunatics or convicts, no matter what the media tells you.

The only thing I hate worse than beggers is e-beggers. At the last tourney, someone else tried the same move, coming into the final table and asking to bum $5. Listen fuckface, if you can afford high-speed Internet, you can afford your own $5. Seeing an opportunity to turn the tables, I jumped in.

"Hey laylow, how much do you need?"
"Just $5."
"I'll send it to you...hold on"
"Are you serious, high?"
"Any friend of SirF is a friend of mine!"

Meanwhile, I IMed SirF to make sure he was not his friend. His response, "I don't think so." "Good, enjoy the show."

I waited a minute.

"Lay, did you get it?"
"No. It takes a minute."
"I sent it already."
"Let me ask, when will you pay me back. I mean if you bust, I want you to pay me back some time."
"I'll pay you tonight."
"Oh, I'll get it to you by Friday if I bust."
"Did you get it?"
Me again: "You aren't scamming me are you. It says it sent."
"Are you messing with me?" LayLow is catching on.
"No. Dude, you are scamming me. I sent the money. Stars says it sent. I'll email them if I have to."
Him: "You had me going. You are messing with me."
"Get the hell out of here you f'n begger. We don't want your type around here. We don't take kindly to strangers. Now git!"

Fucktard. It's my way of protecting the next table from the begger and making his EV go down. You can't mass beg if you are too busy focusing on my mischeivous ass. Just your friendly neighborhood HighOnPoker.

So, here's the second story, about my morning at Court. This is an extension to a situation I dealt with a while back. I appeared at court for a case involving a client of ours who was sexually molested. The child was/is a minor. I won't say anything else about specifics about the case or client because of attorney-client confidentiality.

Now, here is the thing. Last time I appeared for this case, I realized that I knew the City's attorney. Turns out that we were against each other in a inter-school competition during lawschool. I whooped her ass good with my legal prowess. I can recall that she was a real firecracker (read: uppity bitch), but I figured I'd make my opponent my friend. We were shooting the shit when I mentioned that I had switched from insurance defense to plaintiffs work. She replied, "Oh, you switched to the dark side." I didn't say it, but I was thinking something along the lines of, "What did you say, bitch? In case you didn't realize it, dark side must mean helping a defenseless child that was abused on your clients' watch!" Dark side indeed.

When I arrived today, I sat with the other defense counsel. He made a similar comment about us plaintiff lawyers. I had enough. I turned toward him and said, "The funny thing is, my client is an abused child, and yet I get the most shit about being a plaintiff attorney on this case than in any of my other cases, where clients walk into glass doors or some other stupid accident."

I was amped. We were called in to see the judge, and to my surprise I was walking into an ambush by that bitch and the parents of the accused perpetrator. The judge was cool though. I have to give him that. After everything was done, the bitch is writing up the order and is chatting with the judge about the case, making her arguments. Now, this is not the place for such a thing to be done, but maybe I can get some info. I moved closer. "What did you say? I missed that." She looked up at me from her seat with disdain. "Look, we aren't going to settle this. We are willing to take this all the way to trial. This isn't a clear-cut case." You see, this bitch is the type that is so worried about looking weak and/or fucking up that she is all aggression. I used my legal tai kwan do. "If we weren't ready to take this to trial, we would have never made the claim. You should know that without me having to announce it aloud to the world. And if you thought this was a clearcut case, you would have already paid me, so I don't see what this speech is about." The judge nodded. I got the hell out of there quick as I could. I scored my points behind enemy lines. This was all prepped in the cab ride over, when we were already an hour and 15 minutes late because of an error at the office. It wasn't even my case, but shit rolls downhill.

My lower back is killing me. That is the result of all of this nonsense. My adrenaline gets up. I make my argument. I think clearly and act with precision and ingenuity. I leave. My adrenaline is gone. I'm a cripple. I love it. I hate it.

But most of all, I hate e-beggers and insecure loudmouth bitches. What a waste of a post. Enjoy. I'll be at Robbie Hole's playing slo-mo poker if anyone needs me.

posted by Jordan @ 4:41 PM,


At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good post. Don't get so fired up you forget to post.

At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wifey is a para-legal. As much as I like to argue, she says that I should have been a lawyer.


At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love poker, but fortunately I'm also very passionate about arguing, if that makes any sense. Its the saving grace of my job. As agitated as today got me, I loved the rush. Going in there to argue with people with a cold argument and 15 mins to prepare in a cab. Ten, this is the shit that fuels my posts. This and Sanji. God bless that boy!

At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kick ass, Jordan. I hope you're able to help that kid! Child molesters need to be kicked in the junk.


With steel toed boots.

At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All IN Club

Monday - no tourney scheduled

Tuesday - $40+10 NL hold'em (no rebuy) tonight!

Wednesday - $50+10 Omaha high-low (no rebuy)
Thursday - $25 single table shoot-outs

Friday - $40 +10 with optional rebuy and add-on
3000 in starting chips
Saturday - no tourney scheduled

Sunday - NFL Kickoff special 1pm start!
$40 +10 No Limit Hold'em (no rebuy)

Tournaments start @ 7:30 pm SHARP! weekdays
2000 in starting chips, 15 minute rounds,
25-50 starting blinds WSOP structure incremental increases.

At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Joaquin. I don't know why I stopped getting those notices. I'm glad the Omaha is still available. Take it easy.

At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post. Child abusers not only need to be kicked in the junk, stomp on their junk with golf shoes! Good luck.

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, you are my hero. I love that Law & Order shit. That was so f'ing cool. And I'm glad I got to experience first hand the laylow debacle...


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