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An interesting thing happened to me late last night, as I sat watching Firefly on I ease. A small thing to some, perhaps, but I was on the tail end of a weeklong vacation with work obligations that will see me either uber busy or uber anxious over the next three to five weeks.

Yet there I was, at ease, calm with the world and ready for the next day.

I don't know about the rest of you, but Sunday nights have always been a special time for me. Mostly, it's about solidifying my hermit spot, i.e., the couch, and numbing my mind with TV, the Internet, poker, videogames or whatever else will distract me from the reality that the next day is Monday. On rare occassions when I've had late night plans on a Sunday, I invariably have one recurring thought, Get Home Quick. It's almost a localized agoraphobia. I want to be home on Sunday nights to prepare me for the week ahead.

Even with all of the distractions, I tend to have pangs of anxiety, depending on what's going on. Over the next few weeks, I have to gear up for multiple trials, including one trial where I will be the trial attorney. This will be my first foray as a trial attorney, something I didn't expect to do for another three years. In fact, I should take a little bit of pride in trying my first case before I turn 30. However, for the last three months, I've fought flashes of anxiety like no other. They'd keep me up at night, or visit me when I least expect (or want) it. I'd see something that reminded me of the facts of the case and immediately go flush as my heartrate sped up. Or I'd have a fleeting thought and be racked with guilt or fear or something that I just can't quite explain.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I began to see things in a different light. I had always gotten by with minimal work when I was a student. However, when crunch time came, I was also able to do what needed to be done. I may not spend the same amount of time as the other guy, but I used my time wisely when I did and I knew when enough was enough. I saw myself as a slacker, but the people around me saw me as a hard worker. I thought they didn't know shit, but all along, I was wrong. I do work hard. I just don't see it that way.

This all led me to a new philosophy. The trial is just another test, like the ones I'd ace in school with little preparation. I may not have the experience of a trial attorney yet, but I know most of the moving parts and I can think on my toes when needed. It is now my goal to prepare myself for the trial by knowing the case front-back-and-sideways. It sounds like a lot of work, but it isn't. It's just work. I've said this phrase a lot in my life: There is nothing to it but to do it. And it's the reality. All the worrying in the world won't make my life easier in these coming weeks. In the end, there is nothing to it but to do it and that's what I will do. I will take on these hurdles with eyes opened, prepared to do what must be done to succeed. And I will succeed. It's just that easy.

So, last night after a week away from work, with things piling up and trials coming to fruition, I felt at ease. And today, the ease has continued. I've worked like a dog all day, but the results are already paying off. And don't be fooled; attitude is everything. If you act like you can handle it, people will think you can handle it and will treat you as such, and then suddenly, you can believe it and you can handle it and it just is. I believe I heard it once like this: say it, think it, believe it, be it. It's that simple. Act the role and you will become it.

Oh and poker. Hmmm. No real rush to get back to the tables. I'm happy playing Command & Conquer 3 from scratch again. I have no idea why I love those C&C games so much. I think it's something about the methodical nature of the game.

Whatever the case, I did dip my toe in the FT waters yesterday. A very bad swing in some O8 games before my vacation left me with just $180 or so at FT. I decided to get back to the videogame aspect of FT and try to run up my "tokens" a playful word I use for the actual cash in the game (not the $T tokens). By seeing my balance as "tokens" the stakes don't bother me (too low or too high) much and I can focus on squeezing out small increases with solid play. That meant one thing, a return to limit hold'em, where I eventually was 4-tabling .50/1. I won about $20 when I signed off 45 minutes later. It's a small amount, but 20BBs, which isn't too shabby. And the most important thing is that I ran up my "tokens." Any progress is good progress. I expect to tackle 1/2 games next, now that I'm over $200 at FT.

Poker is what it is. I can't wait for more opportunities to play live, but until then, I guess I'll continue to dabble in the methadone of poker, online play.

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 4:13 PM,


At 11:11 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Good luck, Dude. both in the trial and online.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger BigPirate said...

I tried my first case the morning after I was sworn in. The mentoring program at my firm consisted of the senior attorneys buying me beer and assigning cases they didn't want to try to me.

You'll do fine.


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