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Seeking Zen

I just received some bad news at work. I won't go into the details, because frankly I'm sick of talking about it, but I will say that it was a kick in the balls while I was looking in the other direction. Tonight, I have a home game at my apartment. The guest list has ballooned to 10, which is actually problematic, since my table only seats 8. But we will figure something out.

Of more immediate importance is my tilt-factor. I can feel tilt like a normal person feels the cold (I'm sure I'm not alone in this). I can feel my anxiety ratchet up a notch. My heart feels like it is beating irregularly. My thoughts and movement are alternatively jumpy and paralyzed. Everything zen? Everything zen? I don't think so.

But I need them to be zen. I need to be calm and confident in order to perform well at work or at poker. I need that desperately now, because the only thing that could make this day worse is to lose $100 when I know I am not on the ball. Shit.

The Dalai Lama, in one of his books, shared an Indian proverb that I often share with people. I may have already mentioned it once on this site. It goes like this: There is never any reason to worry. If you can change whatever is bothering you, you should use all of your energy to change it. If you cannot change whatever is bothering you, then you cannot change it, so there is no use to worrying.

You are so right, Dalai. Why should I be upset about this work thing? I should, instead, work my ass off to show that the client's opinion is wrong (and it is wrong, of that I am sure). Or, if that won't change a thing, then why should I give a damn. I might as well shake it off. It's not as though they are firing me. They are just shifting me to a different client (I guess I am sharing the news). Shit.

My brother Keith first introduced me to Buddhist beliefs. Keith is not a zen guy. By the time I picked up the buddist teachings in earnest (only the theories and not the religious aspect), he had already given up. I asked him once why he wouldn't give it a try. His response was that he was a product of Western culture, and those Eastern ideas may be good, but he just couldn't live that way. In the end, he was a Westerner.

I am a Westerner. But if the teachings of Eastern culture can make me a better person, employee, or poker player, then I will use them. I will adapt them. I will succeed.

This actually was very cathartic. I have to get back to the grind. If anyone knows of any legal recruiters or positions open in the law field in the NYC area, please let me know. I don't think I need it, but its always best to have options.

Everything zen? I hope so.

posted by Jordan @ 4:18 PM,


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