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Poker on the TV: Paradise Hotel


The time has come once again, my friends, to save you the trouble of watching craptastic television with only a tangential relationship with poker. This time, we'll be examining easily the greatest bastardization of NLHE tournament poker, brought to you by the sleazy mofos from Paradise Hotel 2.

For those of you who have a life, Paradise Hotel was a train-wreck of a reality show, in which a bunch of good-looking 20-somethings were picked to live in a hotel, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real. The Real World...erm, I mean, Paradise Hotel.

Paradise Hotel's (or PH's, as I like to call them in my PH fan club chat room at fan site ClownPenis.fart) bastardization did not start at poker. As demonstrated by its resemblence to the Real World, its bastardization started with the whole reality show process. Unlike other reality shows, the rules seemingly changed from week to week, with new guests coming in and other guests evicted...until...well...until the show chose to change direction again, at which point the guests were merely eliminated without replacements. And then there was some money at the end. And someone got money and someone didn't. Ah, who really cares anyway. We watch it for the trainwreck.

So, if this is PH2, when did PH1 happen? Oh, about 6 years ago, so clearly the audience was dying for a second season. This season, by the way, runs on MyNet or whatever the hell the old WB stations turned into, or Fox Reality for a late night uncensored (but no nudity) version.

It was with moderate surprise and extreme cringing that I learned that the most recent episode would involve a game of poker for an undisclosed prize that everyone and their sister knew was immunity.

I'll give the show this much for credit. The game was for the guys ONLY. The girls didn't get to play, because as we know, if you do not have a Y chromosome, you are physically unable to bluff.

Now, onto the bastardization. Everyone knows that NLHE tournaments play until there is one winner. But not at Paradise Hotel! Instead, the show put a time limit on the tournament. Let me put this in perspective. Clearly, the guests at PH do nothing all day, allowing them tons of time for drama built on nothing. So, why the hell do they stick a time limit on people with nothing to do all day. Farging ridiculous.

But the hilarity ensues when we realize that no one has any idea what they are doing. When the guests found out about their upcoming tournament, it became clear who the front-runner was, a hottie named Zack, who incidentally was also on Season 1 of PH, likely because they could not find any more tools willing to go on the abortion of a show. Why was Zack the obvious favorite? Perhaps because of this nugget: Zack's brother played in the World Series of Poker last year. Let's break that down. "Zack's brother" so we know it wasn't Zack. Clearly, though, poker is hereditary. "played in the WSOP" so we know that he paid to play in the tournament and did not cash. So, to recap, Zack is the best poker player in the hotel because his brother spent $10,000 to lose at the WSOP, an event open to anyone with $10,000. Oh, by the way, Zack lost.

How did Zack lose? That's the final part of this absurd look at poker. Zack, with 99, pushed all-in on the river when the board four-flushed diamonds and he held the 9 of diamonds. Not a terrible play. His opponent, however, had a tough decision, taking his time to decide whether or not to call. After long and arduous soul searching, his opponent finally gave up and called...with the Ace of diamonds. Dude had the nuts and sincerely wasn't sure what to do.

Ah, poker on the TV, the softest game in town.

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 8:04 PM,

1 Comments:

At 6:17 PM, Blogger Riverrun said...

I actually watched it...it was a huge train wreck especially when the guy slow rolled with the nuts. The only way it's actually tolerable is with a PVR.

 

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