Our Little Secret
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I played the Mookie last night and lost in the middle of the pack. About 30 minutes into the tourney, wifey Kim got home from a wine tasting event with some of her friends. She had a tough day yesterday, including a trip to the doctor's office, a fight with my dentist, and the realization that moving jobs is highly unlikely. We ran the numbers and realized that a lot of the hidden incentives, like her amazing insurance, my firm's crappy insurance and $600/mo. fee to add her, and some other benefits made her current salary a lot higher than it at first appears. On one hand that last realization is a good one, since she has come to realize just how much she loves the people she works with. My policy has always been that the people are the most important aspect of any job. But still, that realization was a hard one, if for no other reason than the fact that it negated the months of effort she has put forth to find a better alternative.
So, when wifey Kim got home, it was fairly clear that she could use some company. I love her like no other, so I walked away from the computer with so little a fuss that she did not even realize that I was playing. I joined her in the bedroom where we talked for 15 minutes or so instead of watching some mindless television. She was pretty tipsy from the wine tasting and I could see that she was nodding off. I stayed with her as she fell asleep, happy and peaceful. When I heard that gentle breath, I knew she was out. I waited another 10 minutes or so in order to enjoy our time together. And then I threw down some smoke bombs and disappeared from the room ninja style.
Once outside the bedroom, I ran, steathily, to the computer. I was still over the starting stack thanks to some early wins. But I would be out within the hour. It all came down to cointosses. Nothing spectacular in any way. After busting, I felt like playing another, but I held fast to my One Game rule. After a while, I returned to bed, and using my ninja skills, retook my spot next to wifey Kim and eventually fell asleep.
This morning, wifey Kim was still drying off from her shower as I woke up. "We left the candle on last night," she told me. This has happened before, but since I usually am the last one awake, the candle-snuffing responsibilities are largely mine. In the past, wifey Kim had shown true concern over my random slip ups as a candle-snuffer. Her fears, of course, are that the candle, unwatched, will somehow cause a fire, ignoring the obvious fact that said candles are all safely contained within glass jars with the trendy Yankee Candle label.
Realizing that I forgot to snuff the candle, I offered an apology. "Sorry, honey." Her response: "It's okay. We went to bed at the same time last night, so it was both of our faults." It was at that moment that I realized how successful my ninja skills were. While wifey Kim slumbered, I had successfully escaped from her patented Head-on-Shoulder Shaolin Pin manuever. Escape from such a hold takes derringdoo, concentration, and above all fortitude. At any moment those eyes can open when your opponent's head is moved, with that post-sleep look that can see through a man's soul. Once I had escaped that manuever, I had to circumvent the Bed of a Thousand Deadly Springs, each of which, once activated by my shifting weight, would sound wifey Kim's tactical alarms. To escape the Thousand Deadly Springs, one must shift his weight first on the foot closest to the end of the bed. Once that foot is free and touching stable ground, one must carefully flatten oneself out, so that one's weight is evenly distributed amongst the Deadly Springs. After that, the next step is to slowly, but smoothly roll off of the bed, remaining parallel to the ground. Any attempt to stand directly from the Deadly Springs will trigger those evil coils and cause the bed to shift in a manner sure to awaken my captor.
Safe and free from the Deadly Springs and the Shaolin Pin, I made my way to the door, careful to avoid the Pit of Sharp Shoes surrounding the bed. After deftly avoiding the Pit, I had one last obstacle before completing my exit, the Creaking Door! The key to the Creaking Door is to move it as little as possible. I entered my Flat Paper Stance, and exited the room with minimal noise.
Out in the hallway, I stopped and flicked the light switch. A ray of light shown across the bed. I stopped and looked at Wifey Kim, as peaceful as she was before my escape began. I reflected for a bit. My captor means the world to me. I joke here about "escaping", but I truly cherish wifey Kim and she can capture me any day.
Oh yeah, and then I lost the Mookie. I should've stayed in the trap.
And do me a favor. Don't tell Kim. She still thinks I went to be with her, and that I am not solely responsible for the burning candle.
Until next time, make mine poker!
posted by Jordan @ 5:43 PM,
4 Comments:
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At 9:47 PM,
Sleech said...
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This comment has been removed by the author.
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At 12:04 PM,
TripJax said...
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Hilarious dude...
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At 8:19 PM,
Jordan said...
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Haha I get the feeling that this was originally a normal post, but as soon as you mentioned the ninja skills the second time you were like 'hmmm maybe there is something to this..'
Then, you went off with it, but then felt bad about it and needed to clarify how much you love your wife. I can almost feel your changes in pace/direction as I read - hopefully I'm not wrong or I'd be worried about what I'm picking up on =/ -
At 9:25 PM,
Jordan said...
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Haha. You are pretty on, J. This was definitely a stream-of-consciousness post. The disclaimer is less about what wifey Kim will think and more about what people will think about my thoughts on wifey Kim. I'd never want to disrespect her in this blog or anywhere. So, disclaimer, lest anyone get the wrong idea about how I cherish wifey Kim.
