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The State of My Poker

I had a weekend much like the one before it. After withdrawing a large chunk (well over 50%) of my roll on FullTilt, I went about playing a variety of games. Specifically, I was playing 6-max NLHE, mostly $50 and $100 max tables. The results were disasterous. Long story short, my FullTilt bankroll now sits at around $25. My Stars bankroll is thereabouts as well. My bankroll, which used to be around $25 has gone up to $35, thanks to some HU SNG wins, the one positive spot in my Saturday of poker. But in the end, I face the same reality. Where to go from here?

I considered canceling my FullTilt withdrawal, but couldn't find out how to do that. In a way, I'm glad I couldn't find it. After all, I want that cash. I need it, in fact, to replace the $400 I lost on Friday at the Wall Street Game. That game, $1/2 NL, was fairly brutal too. I couldn't get anything going, was fairly carddead, and then, ultimately lost my last $160 or so when my opponent hit a set with his 7s against my Queens. If I win that hand, I'm down less than $100 on the night, but that's just not how it worked out.

Both in live and online play, I ran into the same situation. I mostly focused on certain players that were playing extremely loose-aggressive. My goal was to see flops cheap with them and/or get into big pots with solid cards. I didn't wait for AA or KK. An 88 would do, and in some instances, a couple of highcards worked. These players were atrociously loose. But it seemed like whenever I had something, my LAG opponents had something better, whether it was the LAG who had AK to beat my AJ in a HU cash game after he literally raised and re-raised 2 out of 3 hands for about 100 hands, or if it was the guy who caught his set with 7s against Queens.

This is partially variance. It is also partially my fault, since I guess my poker radar is a tad off. I was remembering early this yeah at the NiceLook Club, which was actually called the FairView Club (it has since been raided by the cops and shut down, so anonymity is no longer an issue). I was playing 1/2 NL there relatively regularly and doing extremely well. I felt in tune with the game, and my decision-making was usually spot-on. The last two weekends online, I've felt the exact opposite. I'm never comfortable with my reads or play, and I'm essentially doing exactly what Freude would say: I am punishing myself through poker. It is as though I want to lose.

My real concern, though, is my annual goal to win $5,000, and my upcoming poker trips. I am now just under the $5k mark, due to those recent losses. I'm going to Vegas in December with the bloggers and AC for Xmas with my Jewish family. These are both wonderful things. However, I know what it is like to go to Vegas or AC during a bad luck swing. It can be devastating to one's confident and bankroll. Since my goal is to hit that $5k mark, I suddenly feel like I HAVE TO WIN in Vegas and AC. This is not the way to play poker.

It's moments like this that I remember why I cannot be a professional poker player. I have yet to resolve that part of me that hurts when I lose. Perhaps its pride or avarice or narcissism that makes me turn on myself when I'm not doing as well as I should. Whatever it is, I need a pridectomy or avaricectomy or narcissectomy, because I cannot continue to grow with this part of me standing in my way.

This is not to say that Jordan is all sad panda, to borrow a phrase from a certain gimp. I have not given up on this game, but I have once again chosen to re-evaluate my online play. I need to keep it low. Even though I love reading about fellow bloggers' trials and tribulations at stakes that matter, I will toil in the fields of the common pauper as penance for my past indiscretions. I cannot leave the fields I plow because from them grows the fruits of experience necessary for my true vocation, live poker.

Where this live poker will be in the future is lost to me. My goal the last four years were to win $1200, $1800, $3000, and now $5000. I have been successful every year so far, and I hope to be successful again this year. Still, I have to consider what the new year will hold. While I would love to create a new goal with five digits, I just don't think that its realistic. I have promised people that I will no longer go to NYC's underground clubs, and I expect to maintain that promise for the most part. The Wall Street Poker games seem to fill up faster than I can check my email, so I have not been able to play there as often as I would like. The Financial Game in midtown is sporadic. The IHO tournaments are often difficult to work within my schedule.

Facing that dearth of live games and my troubles online (its still just a videogame to me), how can I conceivably increase my yearly goal next year?

Ultimately, these will be the issues I tackle over the next month.

I apologize for the general tone this blog has taken over the last week, but you get Jordan unfiltered. Poker has been tough. But in the end, life is still good.

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 3:53 PM,


At 12:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

$8,300 for 2008? hmm why not just skip to like $50k, that would be nice :) ... but no NYC underground clubs? ah

At 11:38 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

You can do it Jordan. See you in Vegas with the crew. I've got something you might like! (Remember your pen set, just got something equally as cool)


At 11:38 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

I can't wait to play with you Thursday in Vegas, where we'll both win with abandon!

At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah... good luck in Vegas -- I'm sure you'll have fun, and do well at poker... or as you'd say: you'll be at the MGM check-raising douche bags; lol.

Hopefully you write a trip report afterwards, as I'll be looking forward to reading it.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Jordan said...

No doubt I will be writing a trip report. Thanks for the kind words, guys.

At 12:47 PM, Blogger Jestocost said...

Welcome to my bankroll world. Except that my goal is to win $437,000 in 2008.

Then again, I'm completely delusional on a good day.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger MattyEbs said...

No clubs, no internet...Im in a similar boat been doing a bunch of day trips to foxwoods and ac...both profitable and entertaining...ill keep you in the loop but seems like ur plate is full for a while


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