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Petty Jordan

I have to admit, I'm a petty, petty man. Growing up, I was always a smart kid. I never worked hard, it just came easily. But not too easily. I was able to make it into the Advanced program in grade school by the skin of my teeth in 6th grade, on a revolving door status (i.e., if I sucked, they'd keep spinning me until I walked out that revolving door).

In junior high, I was in all advanced classes, but found myself to be the only one in class doodling while the rest were paying attention. My homework would be done late, or half-assed, or not at all. My studying was practically non-existent. Hell, I can't even remember studying.

High School was more of the same. The majority of my friends were not in advanced classes, so I saw them at lunch and here and there, but they weren't with me all day. Instead, I'd be in a class with the 'smart kids' and I didn't really fit in, mostly because of my slacker ways. But I liked those classes. Hell, school and tests were always easy for me, and even though I wasn't the academic star in the advanced classes, my grades were high, and amongst my friends, I was the smart one.

I never thought myself competitive, though. Athletically speaking, I've always been sub par. I mean sub sub par. Basically, if I wasn't picked last, it was because someone else was an amputee, obese or blind. Plain and simple, I suck at sports. I still do. In Little League, I was in the outfield, and I'd pray that no one would hit it to me. Pitches hit me more than I hit them. My basketball skills were adequate, but I'd only play with friends. I never wanted to seriously compete.

But I guess I am competitive. My mother helped me realize this. When friends had their successes growing up, I couldn't help but feel the need to one-up them. When others were showered with attention, I guess I subconsciously marked them in my head as competition, no matter the situation or consequences. I guess I am competitive, and worse, I'm petty. I gave up on sports because I was never any good. I had no confidence. But poker is like my sport. I'm actually pretty good, and I want to be great. I'm getting there too, and when I can keep my head straight and focus, I think I AM great.

But this is about me being petty. Petty about seeing other people's success and wanting that for me. In poker, in blogging, in social settings. It's who I am, and I don't mean to be a prick or an envious bastard, but sometimes that is my default. Schaudenfreude.

I'm trying hard Ringo, I'm trying real hard to be that guy who is happy when others succeed. In fact, a good 95% of me relishes when members of the blogging community and any of my compadres do well. It's that other 5% that kills me. It's the part that says, what about me? What about Jordan?

I guess I'm just a bit antsy. Things have been weird lately for me. When I went to play at Hole's house a couple of days ago, I was like a junky walking into a crackhouse. I was excited, overly eager, and pushing to get right to the action. It's no joke that I get high on poker. I love the game on a visceral level. I feel that it is my way to compete without feeling guilt, at least while it occurs. Last night during the HU match with Veneno and the HORSE SNG, I was acting pretty obnoxious. In the heat of the moment, I can get mean at the table (moreso online than live, where I get chatty and maybe slyly mean, but not outright). I can talk shit and act like I am the best thing that has happened to the game. During HORSE, I called some players Omatards, after my less-than-great hand held up. It wasn't smart for my game, and it wasn't right.

Poker is my sport. I can compete with anyone. It's also my escape, from holding back my inner-petty self. I can be free at that table. I can't get up right now and leave the office, saying, "I'm done for the day". I have obligations, and moreso, I have people with expectations of me. With poker, there is none of that. I'm my own boss. I make my own expectations. I'm free.

I just want to be free. I want to be able to play poker all of the time at the drop of a hat. I want to have a live game on tap that I can afford and that is safe. I want to be able to play games where I can win hundreds if not thousands of dollars. I want to be able to play on a whim. I want the respect and the success that I feel like I deserve, but know that I might not. I want my freedom from all of this. I want a lot of things.

I guess I'm just petty that way.

posted by Jordan @ 3:15 PM,


At 4:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post........ and it contains a Pulp Fiction reference......

Great stuff!

At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You petty, petty bitch.

Actually, I want the same things...

At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would be awesome! I am totally with you on this one. Free to play when I want. On a whim. Leave when I that it a great fantacy...

At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two words for you:


At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jordan, I am with you. Now if I could only get my wife to let me do it. And of course, get the donkeys to cooperate on the tables.


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