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Blogging On Demand - Poker Face by Lady Gaga

I was quite surprised to see an email from hometown and college bud J-Dub with a simple request:

Poker Blog topic: Analyze the lyrics to lady gaga's poker face. Now go write. Go!

How can a man argue with that?

In case you don't know, Poker Face is a pop/dance song from Lady Gaga. Even if you don't know the title or the artist, I can almost guarantee that you've heard the song before. At first, I hated it. Then I heard her say "Poker Face" in the chorus and hated it more. But finally, I saw Gaga perform it on American Idol (it's wifey Kim's fault) and I realized that Gaga did not just steal the concept of a "poker face" for her song; her song is replete with poker analogies. And so, with commentary, enjoy the lyrics of Lady Gaga's Poker Face:

Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah
[Okay, so right away, we have some things that are fairly common in poker. Eating. I like to go with the ole nyum nyum nyum, but Gaga goes with the "muh"s clearly indicating that she overeats to the point that she cannot form a decent nyum. But, poker players are largely slobs and are willing to eat at a nasty poker table, so score one for the Gaga]

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas, please
[Good, she acknowledges hold'em's birthplace. 2 for the Gaga.]
Fold em' let em' hit me, raise it baby, stay with me
[And we have our first fail. "Hit me?" Wrong game honey, and now everyone knows that you are probably holding two small cards and are hoping for a Ten in Blackjack. Gaga 2; Poker 1]
Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start
[Luck and intuition are definitely parts of the game. Spades to start? Try crubs, erm, I mean clubs. They always get there. But since high cards start dealing, and spades is the highest suit, I'll give it to Gaga. Gaga 3; Poker 1]
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
[Damn, Gaga. Are you playing in the WSOP? Just like lady luck, she waits for you to be hooked on poker before breaking your heart and your bankroll. Gaga 4; Poker 1]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
[Let's take this all at once. "Oh, oh, oh" is not a poker face, bitch. It's a tell. And showing what you got may piss a man off when you win, but I don't think it'll get him "hot" as in horny. Gaga 4; Poker 2]

Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got me like nobody)
Can't read my, can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got me like nobody)
[This is a simple push. No real substance here.]

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
[Social misfits like stutterers may be more inclined to play poker, as it is an underground type thing, and once again, Gaga is eating at the table, so let's give it to her. Gaga 5; Poker 1]

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
[Sorry, Gags. Dream Team Poker aside, poker is a singles game. No pairing up. That's collusion! Gaga 5; Poker 2]
A little gambling is fun when you're with me
[Wha? Gambling is ALWAYS fun. In fact, just having you around is a distraction. Get the fuck out. Gaga 5; Poker 3]
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
[And regular roulette is not the same without a ball. So what? Score for poker. Gaga 5; Poker 4]
And baby when it's love, if its not rough it isn't fun
[Hmm...on one hand, there is no poker content. On the other hand, Gaga likes it rough, and I find that to be the correct position on such carnal matters. Gaga 6; Poker 4]

[Chorus]

I won't tell you that I love you
Kiss or hug you
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin
[Wait. What? What is that supposed to mean, "bluffin' with my muffin"? Is that a vagina comment. Are you a dude!? Oh geez! That explains the Adam's apple. Gaga 6; Poker 5]
I'm not lying
I'm just stunnin'
With my love-glue-gunning
[I knew you were a dude! Put your "glue gun" away, you perv. Aw, and to think I let you give me head. Aw! Gaga 6; Poker 5; Jordan's latent homosexuality 1]

Just like a chick in the casino
Take your bank before I pay you out
[Look lady, I don't care what you say at this point. You're a dude. Jesus! What will the guys think. You better not tell them. And put your dick away! Gaga 6; Poker 6, just because I'm bitter; Jordan's latent homosexuality 2]
I promise this, promise this
Check this hand 'cause I'm marvelous
[Ok, Gaga, you won my love back with the hand job. And, I reconsidered the last line and you were right, the casino usually takes your cash via rake before paying you out . So, I'll reverse that decision and give you a point here for making it to showdown. Gaga 8; Poker 5; Jordan's latent homosexuality 3]
[CHORUS]

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
So, congratulations to Lady Gaga for having a more-accurate-than-not poker song. And congratulations for me, because Lady Gaga's score is higher than my latent homosexuality, therefore proving once and for all that I am not gay, regardless of that time in college.

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 2:13 PM,

3 Comments:

At 3:14 PM, Blogger BWoP said...

FAN-fucking-tastic!

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger NewinNov said...

Interesting but that still doesn't prove your not gay. Not that anything is wrong with that. (enter jerry seinfeld episode)

 
At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Jerry Seinfeld Episode said...

Did somebody call?

 

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