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Slowrolling Cocksucker (Turning Stone Trip Report)


The kid looked back at me like the lovechild of Hiro Nakamura and Cory Haim. His round face was comically accented by the fly-catcher mouth, as though his jaw was too weak to take the full weight of his cheeks. I continued,

"you SLOWROLLED me!"

He did. That little cocksucker slow rolled me. It had already been a long day at the tables, and the last thing I needed was this mongoloid chipmunk slowrolling me. He had a stack of easily $1,800 at a table where the max buy-in was $200. I, meanwhile, was handing over all but $50 of a stack that was about $250 just a moment before.

I had no business being in the hand in the first place, with 23s. I was UTG and it had been a card dead day. I started off at the 5/10 LO8 table with Craig, wifey Kim's friend's fiance. We were in town for a bridal shower for Kim's friend, and since Craig loves poker as much (or moreso) than I do, we decided to spend the day at Turning Stone. I love some LO8 action, so I was more than happy to play the game when we arrived at the casino. We were at the table for a good 2 hrs or so (including a break to get a great turkey burger patty melt at the Turning Stone's foodcourt), and the old farts were just too nitty to make the game interesting. I was down $180 after a couple of hands where I was drawn out, and decided to transition to NLHE as a way to get a bit more control over the cards.

When I arrived at the NLHE table, I was placed in the 10 seat. I could see, though, that the serious chips were in the 1 seat, where the Asian Chipmunk was perched. As I neared the table, I noticed a fat white guy in the 2 seat chatting to the Chipmunk. He said, "Maybe he'll liven up the table." I guess calling his Chipmunk tablemate a cocksucker livened things up a bit, but that wasn't going to happen for another 2 hours.

In that 2 hours, I remained card dead. In fact, for the entire session, my best hand was 77 (once), with AQ once or twice. I knew, though, that I was not going to force the action, so I did my best to remain patient. Of course, I failed on one account. I got more than my fair share of suite connectors, and if I could get into the pot for cheap, I was happy to play them. In hindsight, that's what got me into trouble in the 23s hand, but we aren't quite there yet.

I also planned on getting better table position, since it did me no good sitting in the 10 seat where I was to the immediate right of the two largest stacks at the table, and, not coincidentally, the only two players worth worrying about at the table. I moved three times, finally ending up in the 4 seat with a straight view of the Chipmunk. All the while, he was catching extremely lucky, raising with crap hands like T9o preflop or K7, only to hit major hands, usually on the river. In two such hands, he went runner runner with his K7 on a AK5 flop that ended up AK577 against another player holding A5 for a flopped two pair. In a few others, he hit inside straight draws to take down pots unexpectedly.

Even though he was playing crap cards, it was clear that Chipmunk was in control of the table. And I was happy to let him take control. I just wanted my shot and after 2 hours, we came upon the hand that ended in the C-S word.

I limped UTG with 23s hoping it would be a multi-way limped pot. Hell, for $2, I could easily fold without concern, but if I hit right, it'd be a well-hidden hand. Of course, this is all just justification. In reality, the limp was marginal at best, but terrible after a bunch of limpers were met with Chipmunk's late position raise to $11 or so. Without thinking, I called and then remembered that I did not have 22, like I for some reason thought, but rather 23s. In some ways, I would've rather been playing for set value, which is a lot easier to get away from if you miss. With 23s, I could easily get trapped into playing a bad flush draw. There was maybe one more caller and we saw a flop: A4x. Lovely. I had an inside straight draw and decided that the best course of action was to simply check. My two opponents followed suit. The turn was a 5. I checked again, knowing that Chipmunk was likely to take a stab. When it checked to him, he bet out and I raised. Amazingly, the other guy over-called and Chipmunk followed suit. The river was another 5. My only concern, then, was that someone was playing an odd combination of cards that gave a full house. Other than that, I was golden. But when Chipmunk bet $50, which was less than my last raise, I decided to just flat call. Something about the development of the hand led me to decide to hold onto my last $50, just in case. When the other guy folded, it was just Chipmunk and me. I waited for him to show.

I should mention here that Chipmunk was slowrolling a lot, but I kept my mouth shut because it wasn't me he was doing it to. I could've said something earlier, but I wanted to be a non-entity at the table until I was ready to take down a big pot. Most of the time, he'd just wait for his opponent to show first, but sometimes when he would show, he would show one card at a time. Fine, I thought. Let him try that on me.

He did try. At showdown, I waited patiently for him to show his cards. He just stared at me with his Mongoloid mouth agape. "What you have?" "You sure first, boss. You were the aggressor." He waited a tad longer and started to flip up his cards, one at a time. "I have a 5." For a moment, a good several seconds, I was relieved. He just waited and I insisted, "And the other one?" He slowly peeled off an Ace, for a full house.

THAT SONUVABITCH! I thought. "What the hell was THAT, man?!" I asked as much as yelled. "What?" he looked at me as though he were confused. Moments before, as he peeled off the Ace, though, he looked to my neighbor on my left and smiled as though he was proud to be pulling one over on me. And that brings us to the first quote of this post.


I was enraged, in a sense, but I was also very much in control of my actions and emotions. I wanted to put the fear of god in him because up until this point, everyone was putting up with his bullshit. I wanted him shamed and I wanted him worried for his own safety. All of this is my way of saying that I wanted to tilt him or at least throw him off of his game enough so that he started making errors. After all, for all of his crazy play, he definitely knew what he was doing and he was running the table from a position of fear. Everyone fears the "lucky" player.

He just looked at me like the retard he was: "I don't understand. What did I do?"

A sloppy fuck in the 7 seat chimed in. "He didn't do anything man." This same fatso was trying to buddy up with the Chipmunk earlier, joking that they were the two Asians, even though fatso was as white as a Klan uniform. He joked about how he played with enough Vietnamese to be an honorary member.

I turned to fatso and set him straight. "You don't know what the hell you are talking about man. That's a slowroll." He replied, "I bet all he needed to win was the 5." "First off, you have no fucking idea what I was holding and I'm sure as shit not going to share it with you. Second, I don't give a fuck what he needs to win. He slowrolled his fucking cards either way."

The Chipmunk looked back at me with scared eyes: "I don't understand." I responded, "Don't pull that shit with me. I've been watching you for hours and you know exactly what you are doing. Ever hear of a slowroll, mother fucker." He looked scared but clearly was putting on a front, "What's a slowroll?" I answered, "It's in the fucking title. SLOW. ROLL."

By now, my neighbor to the left, leaned into me and offered some kind advice. "Don't even get into it with him, man. He knew exactly what he was doing." I thanked him but I knew what I was doing, too. I wanted the Chipmunk to feel fear. I even considered one of these two lines before I decided that it was not worth getting thrown out of the casino: Line 1- "We can finish this conversation when you leave the room later." The other one was even better. Line 2- "I wouldn't be pissing people off if I had to walk to my car later with $1,800 in cash." See how those might get me in trouble?

Ironically, thoughout all of this, the dealer didn't let out a peep. I expected a warning. After all, I skipped right over the F word to use the C-S word. Maybe there was no C-S bomb rule, but the F-bombs came out shortly after.

Surely, I was livid, but as I calmed down I ended the conversation with this simple truth. "I don't mind losing the pot. I just mind when the winner acts like a little fucking bitch!"

A pot or two later, I got lucky on a rivered flush to double-up and then some. Soon, it was time to leave and I racked up.

I lost $274 on the trip, $180 at LO8 and $94 at NLHE. It was a good trip regardless, and as Craig and I walked to the parking lot, I let out one last truth: "I'm glad I had words with that little cocksucker. Now I have something to write about besides losing $274."

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 6:58 PM,


At 4:20 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

LOL! Next time leave the "royal crumpler" to a game like guts.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger nick said...


At 9:44 PM, Blogger TripJax said...

I'd pay you to snap some sneaky cell phone pics of these tards you write about. Such good stuff.

And by the way, I've been meaning to drop by and mention, but have been busy...congrats on the BBT4 pwnage. Would you believe I haven't played one single event. Congrsts dude...

At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you should have said nothing, now you are a sore loser

At 10:25 PM, Blogger Jordan said...

Trip, the fact that you haven't played a single event is the only reason I am doing so well.

Thanks for the kind comments, everyone.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger TripJax said...

You should have not commented Anonymous. Now you are a shenis.

At 12:43 AM, Blogger qdpsteve said...

HOP, you might remember me from my tangle with ck31 a few weeks back...

Would it be cool with you if I said, I think the only mistake you made is that you were entirely too nice to this chipmunk? I've been in several situations like this too, if it helps (cold comfort though, I know).

Anyhoo, I just recently discovered this blog and you're my latest fave poker writer to add to the list (after Rakewell and the aforementioned BWoP).

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Jordan said...

Hey QDP. Welcome to the fold. I find it amazing (but not terribly surprising) that there are pockets of poker blogs out there that are seemingly in separate web circles than the web of blogs that usually play at the BBT4 events, so I'm glad you found your way here.

Anon has a point about being a sore loser. Certainly, that's what the rest of the table thought, to a certain extent. But that's ok, because its all about managing information and image, and I knew it appeared like I was tilting. So, it isn't a disadvantage, as long as I was not actually tilting. Also, I don't care what the rest of the table thinks of me, as long as I know what they think. I'm not trying to make friends. I'm trying to make money.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Booby Stealz said...


Slowrolling is a tactic used by scum, but there is a psychology to it, isn't there? Your reaction is precisely what he wants (get in your head/emit an emotional response), in hopes that by tilting you, it will lead to obtaining more of your chips later on.

i know its hard, but you could brush it off b/c you're representing the untiltable, experienced poker player. Simply say nice hand, and don't let him get the best of you. just my 2 worthless cents.


At 11:47 AM, Blogger Jordan said...

For what its worth, I completely acknowledge that acting as though I were on tilt is NOT an ideal situation to most players or in most situations. However, I have to make equally clear that I was not on tilt AND I was attacking him to get him off of his game. There was a method to my madness beyond blowing off steam. I wanted him to feel intimidated and embarassed. I wanted him to be fearful and play scared. I know that at first glance this might not be an obvious move, but it was entirely orchestrated. Plus, I got to let out some aggression.

Don't mistake my actions for tilt. They certainly were inspired by anger, but it was all controled. I did not let his slowroll tilt me, but I did put him on notice that I was willing to confront him, when all other players were too busy trying to either avoid him or kiss his ass.

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Booby Stealz said...

lets go find him and kick his ass

At 3:59 PM, Blogger smokkee said...

u got ownd


At 5:01 PM, Blogger jamyhawk said...

"It's in the fucking title. SLOW. ROLL."


At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1) "I'm not trying to make friends. I'm trying to make money."

2) "I lost $274 on the trip, $180 at LO8 and $94 at NLHE."

perhaps you should stick to writing about poker...


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