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A proper write-up of the Bash may or may not be coming. Some of these trips lend themselves to lengthy reports, or as I heard a handful of times at the Friday night cash game in Pennsylvania, "Jordan is going to write another 4-part post about one hand." Fuckers. You know you love it. The Bash, well, between the booze and the booze, a lot is lost to the ethers of time.

However, there are some things that cannot be hidden from the prying eyes of my adoring public. So, I must admit this to you. In the Pub Olympics, your would-be hero took the role of last minute edition to Team AlCantHang, specifically to participate in a Buffalo wing eating contest against Team Otis' Falstaff. Make no doubt about it, my legion of fans, I intended to go in guns a'blazin', but I must also admit that I held my own concerns. While I may have spent four years at college in Buffalo, majoring in fried food with a minor in hot sauce, I had been out of practice, and, frankly, Falstaff looked like serious competition. Not only did he have me outranked in height and weight, but he also had me beat on reach AND coming off of some serious weight loss, Falstaff looked savagely hungry.

When the action finally started, I attacked the early wings agressively. My plan was three-fold: (1) eat all 'wing' wings, as opposed to the 'drumstick' wings, with one bite. This was the lynchpin of my plan developed from a technique I first saw and then perfected in Buffalo. (2) Strip wings of their meat with my hands while chewing. This would allow me to subtlely remove the excess hot sauce while also breaking up the food, which should have hopefully made chewing and swallowing that much easier. Finally, (3) I had to play to my audience. Let's be real for a moment. I was either going to win or lose, but there was no way I was going to go out without a spectacle.

So, when I broke into an early lead, I turned around in a sorta, "I don't even need to face the wings." When that got a nice pop, I played to the audience, pretending as though I was checking my watch and asking Falstaff to catch up. Someone said that I was up by as many as three wings (out of 10) in the early goings, but realistically, no one was watching the wing count thanks to my antics. From my recollection, we were about neck-and-neck the entire way. Finally, toward the end, the Rooster started to chime in with a movie quote. He told me it earlier in the day and I still can't remember its origin. Whatever the case, he was essentially yelling, "Listen to the wings! They want you to eat them!" So, I put my ear down to the plate and cupped my hand to amplify the wing sounds. Maybe it was the copious booze or the hallucinogenic properties of buffalo wing sauce, but I could hear the wings: "Eat me, Jordan. Eat me."

Sadly, around wing 8, I looked down to see Falstaff priming his last wing. From there, I could do nothing but watch victory and glory elude me.

Immediately after the competition, I held my hand out to shake the hand of the better man. I don't know where he put all those wings, but god bless Falstaff and his ultra-heavy-duty vacuum of a mouth. My face burned with the oddly earthy hot sauce (I think someone incorrectly added nutmeg to the sauce), and my hands and face were covered in red. I looked like I just left a vampire orgy. Falstaff, to his credit, shook my hand, the results of which is here:

Picture provided by BamBam.

I may have lost, but at least I lost to a Champion.

Until next time, make mine hot sauce.

posted by Jordan @ 2:22 PM,


At 2:59 PM, Blogger BamBam said...

What a great event that was and very well played sir. The crowd did indeed go wild! Glad you like the pic.

At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent show sir.

At 3:19 PM, Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

I totally agree with you about the Office. I was about to get really annoyed too and I thought there was going to be a bunch of drama with Pam and that guy in New York, but thankfully it didn't play out that way.

Yay for the Office. It's my favorite show on T.V.

At 6:59 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

At 8:27 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

awesome photo.

At 11:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF is a rooster...

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Joseph Inman said...

Falstaff only won because I wasn't there, next year I'll have to make my way up to the bash and show you all how to eat wings.

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Dawn Summers said...

And now there is video of the event over on IHO.

At 11:49 PM, Blogger Alan aka RecessRampage said...

shocking... you summed up the wing eating contest in one post... :)

It was great to see you again man. Sorry I missed you guys on the way out. I looked for you guys but didn't know where you went. See you in December!

At 10:30 AM, Blogger StB said...

I think your technique is a violation of wing eating rules.


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