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Dawn of the Red (Sauce)

I headed to the Wall Street Game last night for a rousing game of 1/2 Limit Stud 8 (Hi/Lo). The game was the brainchild of Stud 8 impressario Dawn from I Had Outs. Back in the day, I used to play in a random mixed game in Brooklyn. I got the invite thanks to a guy I met at Dawn's homegame, and the first time or two I played the mixed game, Dawn was in tow. Dawn at a mixed game is like taking a hooker to the prom. Not only will you definitely get some, but if you don't keep your eye on her, half the football team will get some too.

Naturally, even a blind squirrel eventually gets a nut, and Dawn's blind squirrel nuts was Stud 8. It's amazing how winning two hands in a row by drawing out against superior hands can make a donkey think she is a pro, but there's no telling the limits of Dawn's self-delusion.

This is all to say that when I entered the apartment and saw Dawn, my eyes literally turned into cartoon dollar signs. Literally. I'm having corrective surgery tomorrow.

The game started off well. I won a couple of hands early, giving me an early profit. I'm fairly sure all of my money came from Dawn, not due to my expert skill (which was, naturally a factor), but rather because of her donor ways.

Sadly, my losing streak continued, though, as later in the evening I visited Brick City and then Card Dead Canyon. Yippee!

When I left the game, I was down about $50, but I still had lost less than the chip-spewing Dawn, which I suppose is some sort of victory. But that isn't saying much, since we all know how Dawn plays poker. If you need an example of her donkosity, I suppose this will suffice.

Stud8 is a tricky game to play with a 9-person table. Since each player gets 7 cards in their hand, if a lot of players stay in the pot, you may run out of cards before the river. In such situations, a single river card is dealt face-up in the middle of the table. Everyone shares this card.

This only happened once or twice last night. The first time, Matty Ebs, rocking the dealer's box, dealt out a burn and the river. In my vast pokerly experience, I have seen inexperienced players expose their cards by not protecting their hand. I have seen inexperienced players misdeal. But I have never, and I mean NEVER, seen an "experienced" player reach into the muck and flip over the burn card in the middle of a hand while she is still in a hand and river action has not even commenced. NEVER! Until last night. As we all stared at the rivered King, with the burn neatly tucked right under, Dawn took it upon herself to flip over both cards, exposing a burnt Jack and hiding the King. It was an odd move, especially for someone who claims, futilely, to be smart. But frankly, its patently obvious that Dawn hates males, so it makes perfect sense that she would be indignant about the male King. She was also probably mad because it was a Red King, and Dawn only likes Blacks. Let that ruminate for a minute. I can only imagine her disappointment when she saw that the burn also was male. That would certainly explain her sad panda face followed by her howling, "I HATE MEN! LESBIANS ROCK!" I can't argue with that logic, but what a weird chick.

Final thought on the night. What is your favorite pizza topping? According to trusted Internet sources, most pizzerias find that pepperoni is the most popular topping, followed by sausage, mushrooms, and a host of other toppings. In fact, the same trusted source lists these as the common toppings: extra cheese, ham, ground beef, chicken, onion, green pepper, bacon, olives, pineapple, and tomato; and these as the "exotic toppings": shrimp, salami, hot pepper rings, and ancho­vies.

Do you know what you don't see? Extra sauce. Do you know why? Because extra sauce SUCKS!

A long time ago, Polly O string cheese had a commercial where a couple of teens go into a pizza parlor and put in a weird order. The lead teen says, "Give me a pizza, extra cheese." The pizza maker repeats, "Extra cheese!" The teen continues, "and hold the sauce", to which the pizza maker asks confusedly, "Hold the sauce?", and the teen finishes with, "and hold the crust." "HOLD THE CRUST?!" In the end, the teens get Polly O string cheese, to which they rock out.

This is the version from Dawn's household, circa 1982. "Hey ma, can I have a pizza?" "Shut up, I'm trying to watch Dallas!" "Hold the crust." "SHUT UP!" "Hold the cheese." "That's it, back in your cage."

Of course, when we first called the pizza place, we had no idea Dawn was about to shanghai the order. Now, I realize that this was a foolish mistake on our part, because to Dawn, extra sauce is a way of life. The fact that she was drinking a tomato sauce Slurpee when she entered the game was another tip off. When she desecrated our pizza order by insisting on extra sauce along with the pepperonis, I said nothing, lest I get her evil stare. For those in the know, its kinda like her "I just pooped myself" stare, but with a little more squinting. Hence, thin crust pizza with pepperonis floating on a sea of red sauce. It was more of a soup than a meal.

And here is another logic puzzle that a "smart" person like Dawn should be able to figure out. Pizza + extra sauce = messy and messy is not compatible with poker. Perhaps next week, we can order spaghetti! Or even better, sloppy joes! Ooh, let's get ribs, smothered in barbeque sauce. Oh, no napkins for me Jaime. I'll just wipe my dirty, dirty hands (and soul) on your cards.

So, there you go. I was the second biggest loser and had to drink my pizza.

Until next time, make mine poker!

Oh, and PS, I've read Scrabble boards that were more literate than Dawn's many blogs.

posted by Jordan @ 8:59 AM,


At 12:58 PM, Blogger F-Train said...

This was a good effort, but a little too over the top from the get-go to be believable.

You do get bonus points for choosing a tag-team style.

At 1:04 PM, Blogger BWoP said...

Ahhhhhhhhh . . . I knew you would deliver.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Karol said...

Awe. Some.

At 3:16 PM, Blogger KJ said...

Please let this not be an "April fool" joke

Please let this not be an "April fool" joke

Please let this not be an "April fool" joke

Nice job Jordan! Well done.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Ugarles said...

There is nothing in here that strains credulity.


At 6:42 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Your blog is highly recommended.

I laughed! I cried!

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahahahahaha, and she sent people here to defend her! lmao



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