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Antisemitic Monopoly

I think the winter break has caused me a little blog-rust, so I'll do my best to warm up this week and hopefully get back into full swing next week. My poker play has been minimal. I am currently distracted by Mario Galaxy on the Wii and Command & Conquer 3 on the PC, not to mention Scabulous on (I'm listed under the name Guadalupe Hidalgo, if you want to go a few rounds). I love me some games, so these have been keeping me happy while I take a break from online poker. But it's only a matter of time before I'm back with the whore that is online poker. I just have to remember those immortal words from lyricist André Romell Young, "You can't make a ho a housewife."

With that all said, I prepared the following story a week ago, but wasn't sure if I was going to publish it. Rather than leave you with some more drivel, I instead ask that you enjoy:


Just before AC, wifey Kim and I went up to her friend's ski home in the boondocks. One of wifey Kim's friends from college was in town from Colorado, so another friend from upstate New York, wifey Kim, and her LI friend all agreed to meet up at the ski house. Since we would be in the middle of nowhere, we all brought copious amounts of board games as a means to pass the time. Frankly, I love games of any type, hence my unhealthy love (read: obsession) with poker, so I was cool with a weekend holed up in a cabin with board games and excessive amounts of alcohol.

On night two, me and the three other guys decided to play some Monopoly. It was me, the host, the poker-playing boyfriend, and the Colorado fiance. The Colorado fiance ("CF") was the only person I had not previously met. When wifey Kim's friend moved to Colorado, she met CF, a car salesman originally from Iowa. He seemed nice enough, aside from the fact that the chick wore the pants in the relationship. I don't begrudge that dynamic. Some guys like that sorta thing. But this guy clearly had no backbone, allowing one of the other dudes to rag on his chick right in front of him without saying a word to step in. Still, all he was to me was some random guy to chill with, so I didn't have any problems with him or his spinelessness.

The chicks were obviously too smart to play Monopoly, one of the most frustratingly competitive games around. But that was all for the best, as the guys were able to play super fast to make a normally 3-hour game a simple 1:30. The first game went off well. CF and I had different properties, so we didn't have any occasions to make deals, but it still went smoothly. The second game, however, was later in the night, and was preceded by a lot of alcohol.

After we all made our way around the board a few times, most of the property was bought up and it was time for the dealing stage of the game. I had a slew of properties, but naturally no monopolies, so I surveyed the other players' properties and realized that CF and I had a lot of what the other one needed.

I began firing off offers. Most, if not all, were reasonable. After all, for him or I to take down the game, we needed each others' help. Over time, I began to realize that he wasn't willing to make a deal with me. The first tip off was the fact that he wouldn't even look at me. Then he began to look toward the other two players for deals. Ridiculous deals. Deals that would be much worse for him than any deal he could make with me. Luckily, the two other guys didn't want what he had, so they rejected his offer.

It was at this moment that he began making comments about not trusting my deals. His exact line was something along the lines of, "I'm a used car salesman and you're a Jew. This deal won't work." I didn't really mind that comment. I am a Jew. Still, I figured it was just a playful joke, since he was also riffing on the stereotype for used car salesmen. I figured that for whatever personal reason, he either saw me as the biggest threat in the game or otherwise crafty. In reality, I love Monopoly, but I'm terrible at it. But, since he clearly didn't trust me, I made him an offer he couldn't refuse: "Look, you have two railroads and I have two railroads; you have Baltic and I have Mediterranean (the two parts for the cheapest monopoly in the game). I'll trade you the two railroads for Baltic, or my Mediterranean for your two railroads."

His answer: "No. " That was it. No.

This is when one of the other guys stepped in. The other guy, the upstate boyfriend ("US") is also a poker player. He's smart, too. He offered this sentiment: "That's ridiculous. If someone offers you either end of a deal, you can't lose. If one is better than the other, choose that one. If they are equal, then it doesn't make a difference."

At this point, it became obvious that there were going to be no deals between CF and I. I asked him for any offer. Just make an offer and I'll see if its reasonable. At this point, I was fairly frustrated. It was clear that he had something against me specifically. He finally showed his cards when he mumbled angrily: "I know better than to make a deal with a Jew." The word Jew was said with particular disgust.

I'm not the type of person to get upset by jokes. I understand that people are different in the world and that those differences can be very funny when treated with levity. I don't even mind joking about stereotypes. But his behavior at the game followed by that statement led me to the obvious, and, in fact, stated conclusion: He wouldn't make a deal with me BECAUSE I was a Jew.

When I heard that last statement, I was taken aback. What the fuck, people. I know some of you might have your own misconception about Jews, but here's the real deal. People, in general, are more similar to each other than we are different. This is a basic tenant of Tibetan Buddhism. We are so similar in so many ways. On the most basic level, we all want to be happy and avoid suffering. We all share the same basic emotions. We even share the same general ideals. Judaism and Christianity, at their core, are both about being a good person. All religions are. So, the thought that Jews are in any way different from non-Jews is just absurd.

The general stereotype is that Jews are stingy and will do anything for a dollar. Well, I am a Jew, and that is not me. In my life, I have been very fortunate to never run into serious forms of antisemitism. And here I was at a Monopoly game being told that I couldn't be trusted to make a deal because I was a Jew.

I was flabbergasted. Still, I was there for wifey Kim, so I took a deep breath and thought it out in my head. I could get offensive and start calling him out as a white trash, podunk, sleazy car from some small town in Iowa. I could get defensive and fight that ridiculous statement. Or, I could be smart about it.

The reality is that CF was probably a victim of circumstance. Living in Iowa, he probably was not exposed to any Jewish people. His impression of Jews probably came from his parents and friends, and not from any personal interaction. Does that make his comment any less obnoxious? No. But it is always important to remember the source. The guy is a loser, with a capital L. Why should I waste time and energy trying to defend myself or change his ways. Fuck that. This was Monopoly, baby, and I was going to beat him on the board.

Two hands later, after everyone turned down his offers, he turned to me in frustrated desperation, grabbed my railroads and said, "Fine, it's a deal!" I held up my hand, "Hold up! Deal's off the table. Things have changed." He was pissed, but that was the point.

A little while later, he offered another player $500 for a property that would make him a monopoly. I stepped in, "I'll give you $550." It was sold to me. There was no reason for me to buy that property except to fuck with CF. But that was the point. Don't bite the hand that feeds ya, prick.

As the game went on, it was pretty clear what was happening. I tried selling property to the upstate boyfriend and he said, "What am I going to do with that?" I replied, "Trade it with CF." "CF won't make a deal for it." "No, he won't make a deal with ME. He'll make a deal with you or B (the other guy)."

In the end, that little fucker lost. Sure, it was just a game of Monopoly, but I still felt great because I contained myself. I didn't make a big deal about the Jewish comments because that would get me nowhere. I just crushed his spirit instead.

The next morning, after we all woke up, we hung around in the large living room chatting. CF was there and he brought up Monopoly and how he would've won if only blah blah blah. I interrupted, "Actually, you would've won if you were willing to make a deal with the Jew."

If there was a lesson, it was that there are a ton of dumbass people in this world, and some of those people will dislike me by virtue of my religion. But that's okay, because those people are dumbasses, and nothing I can say or do will change them.

Until next time, make mine poker!

posted by Jordan @ 3:49 PM,


At 3:01 PM, Blogger StB said...

How dumb can someone be argue about whether you are Jewish or not when it is a fuckin game?!?!

Good to see you called him out in front of the group.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger Julius_Goat said...

Wow, racist Monopoly tilt. Not only that, but everybody knows that it is Hungry Hungry Hippos in which the Jews cannot be trusted.

Other races and board games in which they may not be trusted:

Axis & Allies: Italians (obv.)
Sorry!: Turks
Candyland: Persians
Pictionary: Russians
Scattegories: Christians
Settlers: Australians
Trivial Pursuit: Asians
RISK: Hatiians
Scrabble: All Muslims
Battleship: Texans
Chutes & Ladders: Catholics
Connect Four: Caucasians of All Stripes

Know your shifty races, people!

At 3:53 PM, Blogger Riggstad said...

that sound you here is me applauding you!

The thought you put behind trying to excuse him or at least understand his thinking, or at least tolerate his idiocy and bigotry is beyond my comprehension.

I think I would have held him down and slapped him in his face repeatedly, while laughing. Not to hurt him, but to embarrass him.

What a dope. God bless his fiance' and their (gasp!) children.

and goat is right... Nothing is worse than playing Risk with a Hatian!

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Holy shit, Jordan, what a crock of shit. It's a gaaaaame. Thanks for calling him out. I wonder if Hitler started WWII because he lost in Monopoly?

At 4:03 PM, Blogger BWoP said...

Bravo, Jordan.


At 4:18 PM, Blogger John G. Hartness said...

This reminded me of a story my first boss told me. My boss's dad was a geologist for BP living in Costa Rica in the fifties. At some point a VP of the company came down and they were having a nice dinner together when the VP said "you know what I love about South America? No fucking Jews."

My boss's dad, who had changed his name from Levy due to the anti-semitism in the oil industry, thoughtfully responded, "there are a few of us here," and resigned to go to work for Shell.

Good on you for calling him out on being a douchebag. Let's hope he doesn't reproduce. Cause we got more than enough dumbass crackers in this country as it is.

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Buddy Dank said...

Not all Iowans are this dumb but a pretty good percentage are. And most of them are my relatives. Hmmm, I wonder if I know the guy?

At 5:05 PM, Blogger Todd said...

The most totally depressing thing about this story is that the entire country is looking to Iowa to help us determine our next President....

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Sleech said...

That took a lot of class not to go ape-shit on that guy.

Well Done!

At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is so fcked up, what a complete ass.

-- buddha

At 10:03 PM, Blogger KajaPoker said...

Oy Vey! What a wilde haye you are Jordan. I remember when we used to own all the railroads we would always screw everyone in the deals. What a shmendrick this fekakteh car salesman is. A true goy schmuck. Phuy! Tfu tfu tfu.

At 3:08 AM, Blogger iamhoff said...

Man, it's two thousand freaking eight. How is it still possible that asshats like CF haven't been exterminated? Nicely done taking the high road, Jordan.


Candyland, isn't the shifty race there the Oompa Loompas?

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Julius_Goat said...

Oompa Loompa, loompady doo,
When you play board games, don't trust the Jews.
Oompa Loompa, loompady dee.
Don't take a deal even if it's free.

When you play Candyland there is no shame.
In assigning Oompa Loompas the blame.
For stealing all of your licorice whips.
They are conniving little shits!


Racial board game profile, too.
Like the . . .
Ooompa . . .
Loompa . . .
Loompady doo!

At 1:07 PM, Blogger StB said...

You should have looked him in the eye and said, "Well, I will call all of my banking friends on the 2nd and we'll see if any of the finance companies will approve any new auto loans for you. Since we control the banks, we control your business." He may have pissed his pants.

At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with Sleech on this one.Well done for not punching his fuckin' lights out!

At 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a much better person than I am. I personally hope CF... nevermind. You're a MUCH better person than I am.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger MattyEbs said...

Love the subtlety with selling ur props to middle men who were allowed to trade with "the man" Also like the either way offer...can't believe he stuck to his guns on that one...should have traded two railroads for his first born child...I think I would have been forced to make plague refrences everytime he landed on a hotel...Tennessee that hurts...apparently there are locusts there now damn the jews


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